|10:32 pm - Depression or just life?|
well, I've finally managed to cry. I've had the feeling building up for so long, but I just quite couldn't make it happen. I finally started crying about 45 minutes ago, and now I can't seem to stop. A shame really, because I wanted to go to sleep early so I could get up early. In fact, I've been lying in bed for the last 40 minutes, but that obviously wasn't doing the trick.
Life seems to have gotten incredibly overwhelming. Work has gotten especially challenging because it seems like I keep getting more and more 'assignments' and can't seem to get some of the original ones finished. In a way a feel honored that they think I'm responsible enough to handle it, and honestly with the economy and such, everybody is being asked to do more than their fair share. Some of my coworkers, especially some of my superiors, are taking on way more work, and it makes me feel guilty that I'm not doing as much. At the same time, I have this feeling of apathy regarding my job that I'm trying to battle. I see some of my other coworkers taking advantage of the flexibility and lack of accountability in our office, and it's hard to resist the temptation for me to do the same. Also, as I prepare for my departure in a few months, I feel like I have a huge responsibility and obligation to make sure everything I do is documented and 'cleaned up' so that a new person can step in and do what they need to do with what I've left them. ...because quite frankly, our office sucks at training knew staff, and for that matter, I don't know that anyone else in my office (currently) really knows how to do what I do anyway, I just do that 'mystical' technology stuff. Mention "ftp" and their eyes glaze over.
Did I mention I'm getting married? Plenty of people have told me "you can definitely plan a wedding in 6 months," but they never told me how much it could suck. I want a nice wedding, nothing over the top, but things that require time and planning. I don't even think money is an issue, because we seem to be doing a good job (so far) working within our budget. It's just hard because no matter how much I read the magazines and checklists (like I have time to do that anyway), I've never been part of anyone else's wedding planning, so I have NO CLUE what I'm really doing. I ask for advice, which sometimes helps, and sometimes just makes me flustered. I feel like I need to allow time for myself to do a little wedding planning each day, but when I actually do take the time, I just feel guilty that I'm not doing something for work or grad school applications.
Oh yeah, and grad school. I wanted to have all of my application materials in by now, and the best I've done is contact most (not even all) of my references. And those references? Yeah, I told them I'd have information to them weeks ago, and i have yet to do that. Somehow updating my resume seems like such a monumental task that I just avoid it. The references definitely need a resume, and I can't get myself to update it. When did I become so unreliable? And then there's the personal statement, which also terrifies me, because writing something that carries great weight is a terrifying challenge for me.
And as I go through all of these things, I start to realize how alone I feel. It's not that I don't have other people around to help me, because they are there, even if it is in small numbers. I feel like Kim, who I was getting close to, is now so busy with her own life that I can't burden her with any of my own life's issues, and then there's Dawn, who's really become a mentor, but in many ways it seems inappropriate to establish a sort of 'best friend' relationship with her. There's Matt, who in many ways is one of my best friends in Kirksville right now, but it's not like he's in KV all the time, and seeing as he's a guy, it would be awkward to discuss certain things with him anyway.
I really, really, really just want to talk and spend time with Tyler, because he's the one that I always feel most comfortable around, and really, he feels like home. I know we're getting close to that point, but it's not helping right now. He's also so overwhelmed with school that I don't want to add another thing to he's plate right now. It's hard when we're both in need of emotional support and neither one of us can adequately provide for the other when we're both struggling, and so far apart. I tried calling him a couple times tonight (we'd already talked once this evening, pre-crying), but he didn't answer. That means he's in bed, which is good, because he really needs the sleep because he's got some huge deadlines that he's facing in the next couple of days, so it's probably best that I don't bother him anyway. I actually thought about a number of people I could call--Tyler, Sam, Maggie, my mom--but what would I say anyway? "Hey, I'm really depressed and just want to know someone out there cares. ... You do? Oh good. ...Talk do you later, bye." Most, if not all, are probably all in bed anyway.
I just feel lonely. I'm not alone, just lonely. Tyler just went through the feelings of loneliness a month ago, and I'm not sure it's resolved yet, but I know he can relate. We're quite a pair, aren't we. I shouldn't be lonely; I have a fair number of friends. I don't live in close proximity to many of them anymore, but they're still there. I'm so terrible about keeping in touch with people though. There are about 5 people I can think of now that I need to contact or reply to, and I just haven't 'gotten around to it.'
I feel depressed, but I don't know if it's real depression or just my turn to face some of life's challenges. I know that, in comparison to some--many even--my life is actually pretty smooth sailing, which again makes me feel guilty and overly dramatic. I am dramatic, and it's frustrating. I've also stopped taking my antidepressants, probably a couple months ago now. I've just about run out of them, I wanted to see if they were something that was still having an effect, or if perhaps I was at a point in my life where I no longer needed medicine to help me cope. I started taking them senior year of high school. I know they scare Tyler, although he's said recently that he's more comfortable with the idea of me taking them now. Apparently he can see a difference. I can feel a difference, especially in my heart rate. Sometimes I feel like my heart should be approaching heart attack stage because of the rushed feeling in my chest. I'm not coping as well. So I should probably go to a doctor and get a new prescription. But then I freak out because I don't know who to go to. The doctor I saw in Sullivan (who is still in Sullivan but working at a different practice.) A doctor in Kirksville, where I'll only be living for a few more months? I know it doesn't sound bad, but I'm really nervous about making that appointment.
Speaking of appointments, lets think of all the appointments I should be making. Doctor for antidepressants. Doctor who can take care of feminine needs, possibly birth control. Fr. Bill so we can get moving on that part of getting married. Dermatologist so I can do something about acne, hopefully before the wedding. Possibly an optometrist, as I'd like to get contacts for the wedding. I also would like to get my hair cut sometime soon. And then there are all the other wonderful people that I really should call, like my grandpa, who I miss dearly. I should probably see if I can go out and visit him soon. I also feel like I've not been keeping in touch with my bridesmaids very well, and I need to make that effort because their all so far away. (Three are in St. Louis, Kim is here but so busy that I hardly have time to talk to her.) My parents have coped with my terrible communication for years now, but I'm sure they'd like to hear from me more often, too.
And what am I doing? I'm talking to a computer. Unfortunately, writing things out has almost always been easier than actually talking to someone, even though I feel that need to be able to talk with someone. I definitely don't understand myself.
At any rate, this rant , which I started an hour ago at 10:30, has apparently been what I needed to calm down (no longer crying) enough to go to bed. Mind you, I wanted to fall asleep by 9:30 so I could get up early enough to get to the office and get some things done before Pershing finalists start arriving for their interviews. Oh well, it's not something I can control, so I'll just let it be. For now.
Current Mood: depressed